12th House

I’ve got natal Kassandra (asteriod 114) in Virgo 12th house getting pinged by transiting Mars. If  Cassandra of Greek myth were alive today, she’d have a job performance review that includes words like “perfectionist, purist, seemingly negative, sullen.” I heard those words today. This time it hit me: those words have been on every performance review I’ve had since I started working at age 14. From the Persians who owned the bakery in the mall who “didn’t like my attitude” to colleagues in corporate America.

The words stick to me regardless of the context. Those are words about my character, not my job performance. I’m 37 years old. When do I get credit for doing an objective job? When do people in the workplace stop using subjective, judgemental language about my character? How is that constructive feedback on what is otherwise noted to be stellar job performance?

I’ve never been called lazy, that’s for damned sure. I’m not working harder any more. I stop here.

I told the reviewer, what can I do with feedback like that? I don’t work at Friday’s and need to wear flare. I’m not a waitress for a reason. Fuck all. Good work is good work. Sorry if being around a person with standards makes you judge yourself. But put the “seeming” shit in context. The negative, sullen feelings are your own. And on what basis to you ascribe a “perfectionist” or “purist” quality to my work? Aren’t we all trying to do a good job here? Did anyone accuse me of making unreasonable demands or responding with anger? Or is this all just a matter of “feeling” a “pure” quality around me?

OK. I only said the first line. Or maybe the first three. I’ll write it out beter in my appraisal comments once my Mars cools off. But – these cycles – sometimes they just pop right out at me – this collapsing of time – everyone has eyes to see it. Everyone. That’s the joke. There was a sudden look of terror in the reviewer’s eyes as I responded. I was supposed to be fearful of what people think of me. Instead, I asked an intelligent question. “A look of terror?,” I thought to myself. “This is comedy. Why isn’t anyone laughing at the jokes yet?”

Its a dark moon. Winter solstice. I hope this season I’ve cleared the last of Cassandra from my 12th house closet.